For Jen - and all other wondering minds!
It started with my father. I was never allowed to spend the night at friends. NEVER, no questions asked. I cried and begged and pleaded but the answer was always no. I hated it growing up, but as an adult I realize my father was just being protective. Also as a grown up, I realize my household was very different from "normal" families.
As a parent, I'm constantly second guessing whether or not I'm being protective or I am being over protective. My daughter is now 8 and I've noticed in the last year a lot of the kids have been having sleep overs. I've talked to other parents about their feelings towards this and noticed that I am probably on the extreme end of the not being allowed to spend the night w/ friends.
As a counselor, I've heard a lot of horror stories. People in general do not leave their kids with people they think might hurt them or they don't trust (family, step parent, friend, etc). I've really only allowed my children to spend the night with my family. My mil - is mentally ill and my fil is married to a women who doesn't like kids in general. I've always been so cautious with my kids and I've assumed that everyone else is this way too. It's just normal right?
I've always looked at it this way. My kid is a kid- there are going to be accidents, mistakes and injuries. I would not get mad if my kid got hurt at someone's house because of an accident. Provided there was a parent around and they were being supervised (in general). Accidents do happen. But the more I think about it and talked to parents, I've realized maybe I am a little too over protective. I've been observing others parent and like that hey - they are letting their kids play outside, in their front yard. I want my daughter to have some independence and be able to make decisions (good and bad) and mistakes.
I don't want to live in fear of the "What if..." and I need to trust that the lord is going to keep her safe. On the other hand, I don't want to be a complete absentee parent either. My husband and I have talked about sleep overs many times when Mariyn was younger. We talked about our experiences and have just had a no sleeping over at friends houses policy. Family is ok, friends no.
But over the last 3 years, I've gotten to know more of my daughter's friends families. I've noticed the kids spending the night or having play dates and I knew the time was going to come when someone actually asked if Mariyn could spend the night. I talked to Mariyn about my concerns and she knows how we feel and why. But the sleep over topic came up again between my husband and I when about 4 months ago one of Mariyn's very best friend's moms told me she was going to have a slumber party for her daughter this summer. Of course, I knew that was going to mean Mariyn would be invited. I told her she was brave and that we've never allowed Mariyn to spend the night at friends before. Mariyn's friend obviously told Mariyn. This is a family I know over the last 3 years. This Spring, I coached their daughter in softball and our girls are always playing together. So we've had many conversations and been to each homes many times. They have 3 girls and 2 of the 3 are the exact same age as my daughters (within 3 weeks).
I talked to Rich how he would feel about Mariyn staying over there. We know them well, it's close to home and I trust them and they have trusted me with their children. I feel as if I have actually become friends with the parents and not just our kids are friends. I asked my husband if he would allow our daughter to spend the night at one of his friend's house ( I picked one that he is very close with and has a daughter the same age as ours). He said, "Of course, I would. I've known him and his family since I was a little boy."
With that, I figured maybe it is time we trust Mariyn to spend that night at her friends this time. That maybe it's just a corky thing I have about me because I wasn't allowed to stay over. (My father also didn't allow us in his bedroom, so I have a very hard time going into someone's bedroom without feeling weird). I explained to my daughter that just because we are allowing her to spend the night at her friends house this time doesn't mean she gets to if another friend asks. It will be a case by case basis and I will have to know the parent VERY VERY well. So many times, parents meet other parents and allow their kids to spend the night over. That will not be the case with our children. I might even revoke spending the night privileges come a certain age and give her a curfew instead. I wouldn't want my kid to be involved in teenage stuff that results from thinking they're doing something innocent like spending the night at a friends when in fact they are not.
Thoughts? Would you allow your child to spend the night at a friends?
thank you for sharing, that was very interesting to read! mairi is a little young for friend sleepovers, and she has sleptover at family (aunt, grandma, when I had Eli) but no longer is allowed to be at my aunt's with out us, b/c my uncle spanked her last year, and it was pretty bad. We don't spank, and regardless, to discipline someone else's child like that, NOT ok. So, even family isn't safe sometimes :( I was appalled that happened!
ReplyDeleteI understand, Mairi is young. I do spank but wouldn't spank someone else's child. There are so many other forms of discipline. Spanking isn't for everyone or every child. I imagine I might be upset if my kid was spanked by someone else but I've never been put in that situation and I would have to know why. Really though, Mairi is what, 4? So I'm sure there were plenty of acceptable ways to handle the situation without spanking. To me, spanking is last resort or to show danger/harm. i.e. If my daughter runs into the street she will likely be spanked.
ReplyDeleteIt's always interesting to see other parents ways of parenting. There is no one right way and really talking about parenting with others is one way I recognize what a goofy, abnormal house I was raised in. ha ha