Emo

I cried.

I broke down.

I had a pitty party.


Yesterday, I lounged around the house most of the day feeling sorry for myself. Why, you might ask? Because I was feeling bad about the way I look. As you probably know from reading, it's now been 18 months since I've worked. I'm so thankful for this time off to focus on myself and my family but money is so incredibly tight. It's stressful. Right now, it's even more stressful than normal because of the investment stuff we have going on, the holidays coming up. It's a bit overwhelming when I think of it all.

I've been able to spend more time with my friends lately and I've rediscovered how much I love getting dressed up. The only problem - I don't have much that fits me. Everything is too big, even my pre-baby jeans are getting more and more roomy. A good problem to have when you're trying to lose weight. It's not a good problem to have though when you don't have extra money to spend on clothes. Right now, there is nothing more I'd rather do the go out and buy myself clothes.... I'd feel so much better about myself, about my progress.

My husband has been selling things on craigslist trying to come up with extra money for our investment. He came home and told me he sold something for $300. Great news! Then, I emotionally broke down because I want to have nice things to wear. I've worked so hard to lose the weight (approx 75lbs). Other than gym clothes, I only have 3 shirts that fit me and a few pairs of jeans. I was folding laundry in my spare bedroom when my husband came in and told me. I broke down crying because I was so upset. I know it sounds trivial but really could you imagine how you would feel if you lost 75 lbs and didn't have the means to replace your clothes?

I know I made Rich feel really bad because he is so proud of my for losing the weight. He has been working so hard to provide for our family and make ends meet. Some weeks, he puts in over 80 hours. Every week he puts in more than 40... He is stressed, he is tired yet he keeps working so hard to provide for us, for our family.

After, I pulled myself together I apologized to him. I should not have gotten as upset as I did over clothes. Really, I know I have what I need and my family is provided for. I am wanting to go through my closet and take my old stuff to a consignment shop. Hopefully, then I will be able to add a few more things to my closet that fit.

I know I'm not at goal so anything I buy now is just temporary clothing. Which is the biggest reason, I haven't splurged and gotten myself new stuff. I don't want to waste money when it's so hard to come by. But if I was more cautious in other areas, I probably could buy myself a few new things. Most of us can probably cut back, somewhere right? I really don't want a lot, just more than a 3 different outfits to wear, you know?

Graciously, Rich said I could spend $100 on myself for clothes. He really is a sweet and loving husband. The money he plans to give me once he sells his stuff on craigslist. I love him so much.

The silver lining - This is my first huge emotional break down that I remember in this weight loss journey because something(s) didn't fit. Before, I always felt bad about myself because clothes didn't fit like I wanted them too. I would rather wear clothes that are too big for me and be healthy then be fat and wear clothes that are too snug and small. It really is harder to be fat.

The difference a year can make...

My friend, Judi has the best Halloween party every year. Everyone dresses up and it's a guaranteed good time. This year was no different. Last October, I had just began to start my journey. I had already lost a few pounds by Halloween but nothing major. I was really close to my before weight. I've lost 70+ lbs but gained so much more. What a difference a year can make.


When I walked in, a few friends that I hadn't seen in a while, had asked if that was me. They were shocked! All night, everyone kept telling me how great I looked. It really felt good. I felt really confident and well, HOT! I had a great time and am really proud of my accomplishment and where I am on my journey. I'm getting more and more comfortable with my body everyday yet continue to work towards my goal.




Here are some pictures I gathered to highlight the difference one year can make:

Judi & I 2009

Judi, Chas, & 1 2010

Elyssa, Leanne, Judi, Sara (me), Marcela 2009

Sara (me), Judi, Leanne, Elyssa 2010

Group of girls at the party, 2009. I am on the far right, the girl next to me was VERY pregnant.

Elyssa, me, Zumara and Jennifer 2010

Ch-Cha- Changes!

You know your body better than anyone else. Every imperfection, blemish, line, wrinkle, pump or beauty mark. You are your body's inspector; you are your body's worst critic. You know your strengths and weakness. You know how to push yourself to your physical and mental limits like no other. No one, knows your body like you.


The other night, I was sitting on the sofa and I stretched my arm. I reached up above my head with one arm,bending at the elbow and used my other arm to grab a hold of my elbow to stretch. It was this moment when I touched something, unrecognizable. I felt similar, yet different. It was soft and small. Confused, I looked up to see where exactly my hand had landed.

It was my elbow! The back of my arm! So much smaller than even I had known or expected! The skin around my elbow is normally fairly dry, ashy and rough like sandpaper. It's smooth, soft and healthy feeling. I spent a good 10 minutes or so analyzing the feel of my arms. It's such a weird feeling to not to even recognize your own body. The body you know better than anyone else.

What's even more weird is this is the second time it's happened to me in the last two weeks. I had a similar situation happen to me last time I did yoga. It was when I was stretching my calf and my hands fit completely around. I was so surprised and happy that I had to tell my friend Zumara, right then! I was giddy.

Body changes are amazing and feel oh so great! Even if it's my own body I'm not as familiar with as I thought. :)