Admitting it

My biggest struggle lately, hasn't been with food or exercise. Although, I admit I struggle there too. It's been with contentment and happiness. I've been over whelmed, stressed out and struggling to put one foot in front of the other for months now. I've always struggled with depression. The regular ups and downs of life can sometimes get to me and can be disabling. Completely disabling. Marriage has been rough lately. Financially even rougher. Figuring out how to change our circumstances, is a challenge.

Yeah, I've stayed busy. I admit it. Trying not to dwell on the real problem(s). I struggle daily to feel happy. I struggle daily to be a nice wife, I'm pretty sure I'm failing miserably. I struggle daily to be a good mom.

I've let too many outside influences get to me lately. I willing to admit it now, I've been fighting with depression. I say this not because I want sympathy, pitty or anything else but to recognize it and hopefully be able to move on. I want to be happy again.

Yesterday, I went my monthly bible study. It's been a while since I've gone, I know I missed last month. I had a busy day planned around softball. I amlost didn't go to bible study. I didn't have much gas in my car, and it was a luncheon. Everyone was suppossed to bring something. I didn't have extra time or money to get something prepared. But I knew if I didn't go, I would feel bad. Those were just excuses. So I went. The speaker was talking about gardening and of course related it to being a Christian. How you can feed your body, and not feed your spirit you're still walking around hungry. It reminded me a lot of this journey and also were I am today. I haven't been feeding my spirit. Instead, I'm turning to food, filling my time, and falling apart.

The last several days, I've been praying to have theses feelings I taken away. To feel happy again, and less bitter. I prayed on the way to bible study that God would give me something I need. That it would be worth the gas, worth the money spent on bringing food. (I brought farm fresh Strawberries by the way).

But something was different yesterday. For the first time in months, I felt happy. Not over joyed but happiness. Joy in my heart. It was a great feeling and I'm able to cope better today.