Sunday, January 15, 2012

I woke up...

Yesterday, I woke up and I was ticked. Not just angry... but really pissed off. I'm not sure why in particular but I know I've been easily irritable lately and down right mad the last several days or so. As I woke up, my sweet husband tried to cuddle me. I didn't want to cuddle. I was mad. I wanted to be left alone. I thought about all I had to do, and how I needed to shower. But I was so angry. I needed to run. I wanted to run.

No excuses. I just had to do it. I wasn't going to wait until later, why? later probably wouldn't come. So I got out of bed, put on my running clothes, laced up my new shoes, found my ipod and took off.

I thought about a lot of things while running. I thought about how irritable I've been lately. I've been cranky, ticked off, angry and really just down right pissed! I can't really express why just so many reasons and so many excuses. I thought about how bad I miss my healthy lifestyle, my healthy body and all the weight I've gained back. I've wanted to start over again so many times. I've purchased new running gear, new shoes. New running pants and new running shorts. I've really wanted to start over. But I didn't.

You know why? I can't seem to really figure it all out but I think it basically boils down to this... PRIDE. All my excuses since I've been healed revolve around pride and embarrassment. It's like the weight keeps coming on and on but I keep ignoring it like the problem isn't there but it is. I am really starting over this time though. In more ways than one. I'm starting over in my exercise and running routine. For health reasons, for weight reasons and for my own mental health reasons. And really, I'm starting over with my weight loss too. I've gained approx 50 of the 75 lbs that I lost back.

But you know what? I learned lessons from my past too. Including this... I can try again AND I already have the knowledge of everything my body is capable of doing. I can do this. I know what it takes. I also know what caused my long time train wreck.

So, I ran yesterday. I ran until I couldn't run anymore. It was probably a 1/2 mile. It could have been less... but then I walked caught my breath and ran again. I ended up run walking 2.6 miles according to my new Nike+ sensor. I was proud of myself, but embarrassed and ashamed at the same time. The whole time I ran, I thought about how far I had come, and where I am at now. I just needed that one run to prove to myself, I am the same self motivated person I've always been. I can be the person I want to be and I am working on it... starting NOW!

Did I mention, I signed up for a mudrun? It's a 3.5 mile run on April 21st. I signed up last week sometime. So, now I have a goal to work towards and a TON of friends who are doing it with me.

I met up with several friends last night and my friend Frankie and I decided to run together today. We're both needing to train. She came over tonight to run with me. I always tell her she is the younger blonde skinny version of myself. We really have a lot in common but she is 12 years younger than me. Anyways, we ran more than 5 miles tonight. We ran walked but we ran more than we walked and I was able to completely run the first mile. Mariyn, my 9 year old daughter, ran the first 2.6 mile with us. Well, actually, she made me eat her dust for 2.6 miles before she decided she was done running.

2 great runs, 2 days in a row. I WILL be sore tomorrow, I can say, I'm getting back on track! <3