I feel so defeated, I can't help but cry. I've been crying for a while now, my head is full of negative self talk. I'm trying to combat ti with words of faith. I'm just so dissappointed in myself and in my body.
I got up to go to Zumba today. I knew we were going to have a substitute instructor but it's my Friday work out and I really enjoy it so much. Apparently, they couldn't find a Zumba instructor for today so it was going to be hip-hop instead. I really love to dance so it doesn't matter much to me, except I know I'm going to burn more calories at Zumba. He didn't do any type of warm up and went straight to the routine. In hip hop, they teach you one rountine and really break it down for you into 8 counts. The guy was fun, the routine looked fun but it had A LOT of boucing or one leg movements. After about 20 mins my knees started to really feel it. After 30 minutes, I decided to give up. I don't want to injure myself. My knees are popping with just about every 8 count. I grabbed my stuff and walked out of the class - the other regulars looked at me but I just couldn't take the pain any longer.
After leaving I felt so defeated. I knew I was going to start crying. I hurried myself into the locker room and locked myself in a bathroom stall, sat and cried a good cry for about 10 minutes. I know I've already put over 9 hours in at the gym this week. I am showing great progress both physically as well as in endurance, balance and abilities. But that doesn't mean anything to me when I'm upset and listening to the negative self talk in my head. I swear I looked in the mirror and I just seen this disgusting obese person. Then I'm asking myself why am I even trying - it's not going to make a difference. I have mascara down my face and I just want to go home. I don't want anyone to know I was crying - but it's obvious. I decided to use the hand soap to wash the mascara off my face. I get Amelia and get in the car. I am so upset at this point and completely emotional. I feel this intense hunger pain. I mean intense, and I know it's because I'm upset. I can recognize it, I just want to eat anything and everything. I call my mom for support - I really need encouragement at this point. She doesn't answer, so I hung up.
I just start praying in my head for God to help me. I know I have nothing to be ashamed of or feel defeated by. I've done so good thus far. I'm not giving up. I remember about the bible verse I learned at Bible study a few weeks ago:
No temptation has taken you except what is common to man. God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted above what you are able,but will with the temptation also make the way of escape, that you maybe able to endure it. - Corinthians 10:13
I just plead with God. I came home, begin to blog. My mom calls me back. I'm crying so hard she can barely understand why I'm upset. I know she doesn't really get it but she tried to comfort me as best as she could. My mom has always been a skinny person. A very skinny and vain person. Exact opposite from Kelly and myself. She is 50 now, and gained some weight after her hysterectomy a few years ago so she relates better now than ever before. She has been encouraging me and been supportive of my progress. I've calmed down now. I wanted to share this hurdle with you. I know this is a mental demon that many over weight people face. I am not alone - I'm not the only one who has faced it. I can with God's help conquer my goals and succeed. It's almost noon now. I'm suppose to meet Claire for weights. Hopefully, I can get some of those good feeling endorphins.
Thanks for your support.
Sara, you are doing such a good job. It is totally normal what you are feeling, and i know you won't give up. Maybe the gift I sent you will arrive today and lift your spirits!! When I think of how hard you work and all the weight you have lost I feel like a faliure!! This has been a bad week for me. This is a journey, and it is going to be hard sometimes. Just think.. you are 1/3 to your goal!! I am so proud of you. Don't work too hard.. if you get hurt you can't work out at all. Remember that. Watch the biggest loser online on hulu.. it is very inspirational!! I love you! keep it up!
ReplyDeletep.s. I looked in the mirror this week at the gym while doing 24Lift and almost cried... 28 pounds gone and I still look like a fat ugly obese slob!! That is what I thought... even though my close were so baggy on me because I've lost weight. I am glad I am not the only one who feels that!
ReplyDeletethis probably won't be encouraging. I guess more of a commiserate.
ReplyDeleteIt really never gets better in regards to judging ourselves and liking what we see in the mirror.
I'm 125 pounds and Im still very very hard on myself. I look at myself in the mirror while Im working out and I do the same self loathing.
Because I am almost 40 and no matter how much I work out I still have excess skin from pregnancies and cellulite on the back of my legs that will never go away. It's permenant.
I very rarely commend myself for the positive things I can point out about myself.
It rarely matters that Im 125 pounds.
Like today, when I went and bought 2 pairs, different styles of these cute little sweat pants that all the girls are wearing at the gym. The kind that only go to the knee, and make their butts look good?
I wanted a pair. I finally bought a pair. I found some at Goodwill donated by Target.
Got them home and tried them on and immediately just crumbled.
I'm 5'1, and try as I might I will always have the legs of a gymnist. Or a cheerleader. No matter how much thinner I get, I will always have an applebottom. So things like that just DONT look good on me. My body shape is just one of those awkward shapes that makes me look squatty and thick thighed. They ride up my crotch and are too tight on my thighs. Making me look much "Fatter" then I actually am. I run ito the same delimma with bathing suits, jeans.
I have to work hard to find clothes to compliment my shape. I always seem to pick the things that make me look bloated and "fat"
I guess my encouragement part is. Dont think there is a magical weight or a magical work out class that is going to make you all the sudden love yourself and feel like you are finally perfect.
It isn't going to happen. I think the hard part is we are going to have to learn to love ourselves for where we are at that day, the accomplishments we have made and not being where we WERE, but where ARE.
Think of it this way, If someone were to ask you, Do you want to go back to where you were? You would emphatically say, No! I want to stay right where I am at, I dont want to go back.
Because where you are at is better then where you were. And where you are at tomorrow, will be better then today.
I will NEVER love my body shape. Never. I hate my hips. I hate the cellulite that will never firm no matter how many leg presses I do or hip abductions I do. No matter how many sit ups I do, I will NEVER not have that flap of skin that folds up over my jeans when I sit down.
I just WONT. So I need to embrace being where I am, instead of where I was. Sitting in that bathroom with those size 16 jeans crying my eyes out.
Sara, you cant take away your sense of empowerment, your motivation, your energy, your excitment for your life the past few months.
Dont let one class, one glimpse in the mirror take that from you. Dont you dare.
You hold steadfast to those emotions of feeling good about yourself, and dont let one hip hop mishaps steal that.
Thank you both. I am feeling better and both of you are encouraging.
ReplyDeleteSherri - I never realized you are only 5'1". I've always pictured you tall. Just had to tell you that.
I did feel so defeated but you're right. I've already come so far and even if I don't LOVE the way I look, I do LOVE the way I feel.
I am a very determined and goal orientated person. I always have been so giving up is very hard for me. Even if it's just something little, like a class. I went back to the gym and ended up having a great workout with Claire that lasted about an hour and a half. I'm still a little moppy but doing better. The nasty self talk is gone.
One of the reasons I wanted to blog about this incident was so I can remember it as a hurdle I faced and conquered. And finally so I can share it ( so many followers, I know). I usually only talk about the positive things and I try to look at everything with a silver lining but I want to be reminded that it isn't always easy but the hard times will pass. I think every woman can relate to it at some point.
I agree. It's about feeling better, being healthy. Loving the way you feel.
ReplyDeleteThere are days that Im extremely happy with the way I look. The way I feel in a certain pair of jeans, certain dress.
We are all going to have those days we challenge ourselves why we even try. They will be few and far between!
And yes! Im a whopping 5 feet 1 inch tall! lol
My sister's are 5'7 and 5'9 lol :X
Sara I wanted to share this blog with you. It's a Livejournal friend of mine.
ReplyDeleteI believe her journal is all public except her archives.
But she is in the begining of her weightloss journey. She has completely changed her eating and works out like feign. She too, still struggles sometimes as to where she is at in her weightloss. What her body looks like.
She still has a ways to go but was just offered 2 jobs as a fitness instructor. She talks about her excitement and concern over it. It's people like her that inspire me, and thought you might like to see it since you needed a quick pick me up.
http://mandella0021.livejournal.com/956445.html
Thanks Sherri - you're friend seems like an Amazing Woman. So full of hope. I read her blog back as far as I could. I think I might have a lj account - I've used just to read other's blogs. I might stop by there again. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteYes, you actually requested me so you could read mine. I love reading her blog, it's inspirational to me. Just to keep me on track fitness wise.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to make my hoola hoop!