Forgiveness

I've always been the type of person who is hard to get to know. I'm friendly and out going but rarely let people in close enough to ever hurt me. I can't really tell you why... I just do, I think everyone does to some extent. I keep part of myself guarded I know this pushes some people away but if I let you in, I let you in completely trusting you 100%. It takes a lot for me to get angry and in a few rare cases have I been hurt by someone I am close to but it does happen and it cuts like a knife. When it does, I struggle to forgive. For years, I've held on to anger, resentment and hurt to a level that is unhealthy. Incidents consume my thoughts at night and during alone time to the point that I can not get them out of my head. I can get angry for months, or years after the incident occurred just by the memory. As I am growing in Christ, I know how important it is for me to forgive. I've been praying, a lot, about forgiving certain people. I've tried praying for these people and really I feel less angry and even a bit remorseful of my own actions. I'm accepting responsibility for my part in the relationship and I really just feel better.

I've always loved the Dixie Chicks, especially the song, "I'm not ready to make nice". When the song first came out I felt a deep connection to the lyrics, I was struggling with an incident with someone I used to completely adore, my grandmother. I used to feel so passionate, so fueled, when I heard the song. It really was my theme song for so long.... so angry, so betrayed, so hurt. I've avoided going to family events that I think my grandma might show up. So I don't have to feel rejected or hurt. So I don't have to feel angry. I've really had to emotionally prepare myself for the roller coaster of emotions I have when I even think about her, let alone see her. I get like this often, and it's not just with her, but it's most severe with her, more emotional. I still love her and want to be accepted but the fear of rejection hurts. Like I said, I've really been working on myself, working with God and praying to be more forgiving. I am really at a huge stepping point for me. Grandma called me on Christmas, I missed the call and listened to her message the next day. I cried --for a long time. You see, she has been my hero, my whole life I've looked up to her. I called her back a few days later, once I was emotionally prepared to talk to her but I ended up leaving a message. In the mean time, I've been praying about forgiveness. I think about her often and I want to reach out. I guess I am still scared in so many ways.

Today, I really challenged myself physically. I did body pump and cycle back to back for the second time this week. This instructor was brutal very much like a drill Sargent and I didn't like that style but I liked being pushed, pushing myself. Of course, the last song she played for our cool down and stretch was "I'm not ready to make nice". I was pouring sweat and I could feel myself tearing up thinking of Grandma, thinking of the rage of emotions I used to feel - especially when I hear that song. Feeling it and taking it in, I realized I'm ready to pick up the phone and call her again. I'm really ready to let it go. I wasn't angry or bitter. I wasn't full of rage, the song just didn't provoke the same feelings it once did. Instead, I just felt sad that I let a simple misunderstanding take my grandma out of my life for years. I think now that even if I am not accepted the way I want, I am still ready to finally forgive. Perhaps, I already have?