Changing my life

Less than 10 short years ago, I was attractive and in shape. I have always been an athlete who enjoyed softball, soccer, and volleyball. In fact, I loved soccer so much I played throughout junior college, into my first trimester when I was pregnant with Mariyn. I've played softball since I was 8 years old. In the summer, I got to play travel ball in tournaments all over California. I continued to play slow pitch in recreational leagues until I got pregnant with Amelia in 2006 and went back to grad school. I've always loved sports and being active. Knowing this you may ask yourself, how did you possibly get this overweight? It's o.k. I've also asked myself that same question.

As a child, I was awkwardly thin. My nickname was boney maroney - my grandma even sang me a song. "I've got a girl named boney maroney, she is so skinny like a stick of macaroni." Then teen years hit, I got my period and I got boobs. Not just any boobs. You can say I was blessed just like all the women in my family - very well endowed. I don't recall ever wearing a training bra. One summer I went from nothing... and I mean nothing... to a C cup. In high school I was a DD and an F cup before graduation. I was blessed though because I was an athlete I was in amazing shape and I have curves, a true hour glass figure. I knew it too and I loved my body.

My mom was always one of those very thin women. She is about 5'5" and until recently always weighed well under 125lbs. She is beautiful, people never believe she is my mother and not my sister. She dresses fashionable and very young for her age. My father, was a short fat man. My mom says he wasn't always fat but that he had medical conditions and medication that made him gain a lot of weight. She says he was actually very attractive when he was younger. Considering he died, at a young age of 40, I am just going to have to believe her. Growing up family life was always crazy. Nothing was ever normal in our home but we constantly pretended it was. My parents worked for themselves and were rarely home. I don't recall very many home cooked meals. We had cereal for dinner or just about any meal we wanted because my sister was virtually in charge which truly meant we were all fending for ourselves. I would say this is when my bad eating habits started. I remember using food as a weapon against my mom and I would not eat for days just to see if she noticed. I was a kid, I didn't realize what I was doing wasn't hurting her. It was creating bad habits in me.

I vividly recall so many negative talks about my older sister and her weight issues. She was never the skinny sister. Ricki and I were the skinny sisters. I knew I never wanted to get fat like Kelly. Ricki was the pretty sister, I was the smart sister and Kelly she was the nice sister. We all had "our" qualities and we all knew exactly what we were. The older we got, we realized we were like sizes Kelly, large, I was medium, Ricki, small. Looking back, Kelly was never a fat kid just not boney maroni like me, thin like Ricki or shaped like my mom. She was always normal sized for her age. The older we got the more I realized I had a lot of negative thoughts about fat people and not wanting to be one of "them".

I was never going to be as thin as my mom though, that is just not what God intended for me. My dad died when I was 14, alcohol became a major part of my life. I nearly stopped playing sports and struggled in school. During my late teen years, my mom and I used to fight so much about my weight. It finally became an issue to her, just like Kelly. At age 19, I was living with my sister and my mom started staying there too. She sat me down and we had a "talk". She felt the need to tell me how disgustingly fat I was and how I needed to diet. I've always been head strong and I didn't take this talk to well. The talk ended up getting physical and I left. I was grown, I could no longer be pushed around and I wasn't about to hit my mother. I was moving out and away to college in a couple days anyways, so I figured it would just be easier on everyone if I left.

I moved to San Diego and I absolutely loved life. I felt independent and normal. Rich and I were dating, pretty seriously but he lived up here, 8 hours away. We got to see each other about once a month. On October 12th, Mariyn was conceived. While pregnant with her, I moved back up to be with Rich and quickly gained 68lbs most of which was during my last trimester. The day I delivered Mariyn I lost 30lbs. I sat weighing 203lbs I never really got thinner. I never really tried. At this time, my mom suggessted that I audtion for a reality show - like total makeover to get liposucciton. She that it would be impossible to lose as much weight as I needed to.

Let's face it, I was 20 years old majorly depressed and felt pregnancy had destroyed my body. I wanted to continue my education but had some major set backs and concerns. I was stuck in a rut and didn't know what happened to all my dreams. What happened to my life or my body? I didn't even know if I should stay married or why I even got married. I was miserable. With encouragement from Rich, my former boss, and family I finally decided to go back to college when Mariyn was about 3 years old. I completed my first two years of school before I conceived Mariyn so I really only had to do my Junior and Senior years. I wanted to get it done, I now had goals and plans and opportunity. I finished 2 years worth of work in a year and a half. I sacrificed any me time for my family, for school. We ate really bad - after all it was what I knew any way. About the same time, I started to have health issues - gallstones. I did some research and found out that my diet was directly related to the issues I was having. I changed the way I ate (because I had to or I would be in intense pain) and I lost a good deal of weight. Not by choice though more or less because it was a side effect.

After finishing my bachelors degree, I went on to graduate school. My goal was to become a high school counselor. My university offered a program that takes on average 3.5 years to complete. Our goal, was for me to finish in two years and I made a plan so I knew it was possible. In order for me to work in education, I had to get a TB skin test. I made an appointment with at an office in town. When I went in, the doctor started to talk to me about gastric bypass surgery my weight and how I could be an ideal candidate. Really... I came in there for a routine TB skin test, not at all complaining about my weight. I told him I never really attempted to lose weight and that I believe with exercise, I could. I just hadn't tried yet. He pushed a little harder about the surgery and I decided I wasn't going back to that office again.

Rich and I were doing much better - our marriage was strong and I was in a much better place emotionally. Mariyn was now 4 years old. She wanted a sister so bad. She prayed nearly every night for a sister. I knew in my heart that I was ready for a baby too. Rich had been so loving and supportive even at times when I was awfully mean. I knew our marriage was going to work and we were ready to try for another baby. I was just starting exercising again regularly and I found out I was pregnant! I had a turbulent pregnancy, we had an ultrasound at my first appointment the doctor couldn't see a baby and sent me in for lab work. Later that week, I was told my lab work indicated that I miscarried and was sent home devastated with a little cup to catch anything that came out. Immediately, I stopped exercising and was afraid that anything I would cause me to miscarry. I didn't want to blame myself, even though the doctor told me it was already happening. Two weeks, later, no sign of bleeding or miscarriage I went back to the doctor for a routine appointment - to make sure everything was healing fine with a follow up ultra sound. Immediately, I seen my little baby moving with heart beat on the screen. I still can't explain what happened and why I was told I had miscarried, when I didn't. The doctor offered 3 solutions. A - the lab work was wrong (I had 4 sets so I doubt that) B- I had conceived twins and lost one (probable because of the numbers in my lab work) or C - Davine intervention. Amelia is my miracle baby - any way I look at it she is truly a special gift. While pregnant with Amelia I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and was seen at the doctor weekly throughout my entire pregnancy. During the last trimester, we went to the hospital for testing several times a week. The doctor closely monitored my weight, diet and sugar levels. I only gained 9 lbs and Amelia was 6lbs 15 ozwhen she was born.

During pregnancy, I was attending grad school full time, working as a substitute teacher and holding together my family responsibilities. I delivered Amelia on a Monday and went back to school on the following Monday. Since I was no longer pregnant, I wasn't worried about gestational diabetes anymore and returned to my poor eating habits. Life was stressful. During last semester of grad school I landed a job at an elementary school in a really high needs, low income area, had a breastfeeding baby, and attended graduate school. My bad eating habits returned. I don't think I ate at home...nearly every meal was take out or fast food. The scale fluctuated between 203-213lbs.

I knew I was gaining weight. As you can see, there is a pattern to my weight. I've deal with stress and pressure by cutting back on me time. I let life get in the way instead of focusing on myself and my family. My education was important but finally I graduated. 2009 brought a new job and new responsibilities. My sister in law and her daughter moved in with us. I was under consent stress. We had more money because I was working and we blew most of it eating out. Like I said, I knew I was gaining weight but I also knew I was really not at a point when I could do anything about it. In general, 2009 was one of the most stressful and busiest years of my life. New dream job, we purchased our fist home and had 2 new family members living with us. I gained... oh boy did I gain. So I stopped looking at the scale. Rich would try to gently ask me about my weight but I refused to even get on a scale. I knew I was unhealthy. I couldn't do basic things that I loved - softball, spending time with my kids, sometimes even walking felt like an extreme sport. In June I was laid off - budget cuts.

I spent the summer moving into our brand new home. Debating on when I would return to the gym. The kids went back to school, Mariyn started her routine. Finally, I felt the urge to do something about my weight about my life. October 5th I went back to the gym... I've made a choice to change my body and change my life. October 6th, I stepped on the scale and realized I gained about 50lbs since had decided stop weighing myself. I'm still going strong today and just as determined (possibly even more) to continue to change my life. Even though, I've lost 45lbs I still have a long way to go... it's taken the last 5 months of consistent exercise and dieting to lose the weight I gained AFTER I had my last baby. Every day at the gym has been worth it, ever drop of sweat is rewarding and I see progress in so many forms. With that said, I will leave my blog with this. As hard as it is to loose the weight, it's harder being fat.