Half the size I used to be... that is the compliment I've been hearing most lately. It's not actually TRUE but people really seem to be noticing my weight loss. I have almost lost the same amount of weight as my 7 1/2 year old daughter. Crazy to think that I have now lost a 7 year old person.
Yet at times, I don't necessarily feel skinnier. I still battle many of the fat demons that I've had for several years. I'm getting better at it though. I am so close to my pre-pregnancy weight with Amelia. I actually feel more fit and smaller than I did then. One of my uncles came over for Easter. He asked if all I had was diet soda and of course, I responded yes. Sarcastically, he asked "How's that working out for you?" The comment made me feel belittled as if no matter what I do it's still not good enough. Me being me, pipped up and said defensively, "52lbs makes me think it's working."
Saturday we took Richard's friend and daughter to the airport. There were 6 of us packed into a truck. Normally, I would have probably stayed home but it was Rich's first day off in months and I just didn't want to spend the day away from him and he didn't want to tell his friend no. The guys always talk about hunting, I swear it's the same conversation every time we see each other post deer season. This year, opening day lands on my birthday and the same weekend I plan on doing the triathlon. In a man's world this is a big conflict of interest. I'm not sure how it's going to play out but Rich will probably miss my triathlon. Then the topic changed from hunting to working out. It's funny, I've spent 5 days a week for the last 6 months training at the gym but of course, Rich's friend tells me that it's different from being able to do something in the gym (cycling, running, etc) to doing it outside and that outside is actually a lot harder. Just because I can do it in the gym, doesn't mean I can do it outside. Which I know is partially true but really are you going to tell me that because I am in good shape at the gym, consistently building strength and endurance that I can't do that come race day? Really, the only hindrance I see between me and completing the triathlon is money and equipment. I know that I need a bike, helmet, and a wet suit at bare minimum. There will be other expenses too, hotel, entry fee etc that I will have to come up with. I'm nervous about it because I'm not working and I know it will be a struggle to come up with the money but I really want to do it. I can do it, God willing.
I really think that I am just sensitive about people's comments. Whether it be about weight of fitness. They stick with me. People at the gym keep calling me skinny, slim or say I'm melting away. I know they mean it as encouraging and complimentary but it's so hard to accept a compliment when I am still so very over weight. I really don't think I look as overweight as the scale says I am though. I am starting to look normal size. Curvy but normal size. I am happy with the changes my body is making. My figure is toning not any extra skin yet. The weight is coming off... Oh and today weigh in was a success. Lost 1 pound even with all the cadsburry eggs and delicious Easter food.
Ugh. Such a loaded post. I could respond pretty lengthy.5 years later I am STILL battling fat demons. I hate that it is so thought consuming all day. It honestly takes up to much of my thought process.
ReplyDeleteI too, still get off the cuff comments, belittlment. I wish I could say it gets better, it doesn't.
I battle it from both ends. I have those that will remark Im too thin, and always the same ones that remark about how "fat" I am. So it leaves me so torn and out of sorts.
Then, like today, I will see an unflattering picture of me and feel like I've had setbacks. Or get discouraged that I work so hard and feel like I never see results from trying to tone.
I'm just in a very yucky slump right now.
I don't look how I feel. I hate that the mirror always changes the way I feel about myself.
That I think I look good and then someone snaps a picture of me bent over and it all goes out the window.
So not only do I feel like with others no matter what I do it's never enough, I do it to MYSELF.
I know this post is a lot of rambling... it wasn't intended to turn out like this. I had a whole blog written in my head until I came to blog then it went somewhere else . . . While, I'm not glad you're still battling fat demons; it is comforting to know mine are somewhat normal. Thanks Sherri. :)
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