I've let go

I've let go. I've let go of my expectations of myself, I've let go of the diet. I've let go of my time line to be back at the gym.

I've spent the last several weeks feeling sort of normal. I haven't weighed myself in over a month - AND I'm ok with that. Last year, I dieted through the holidays and missed out on a lot of things. This year, I'm missing out on nothing. But that doesn't mean I'm binging at every moment.

My eating habits have changed and I can make healthier choices and stop when I've full. But that doesn't mean that I don't indulge either. Come January, I will be back to watching everything I eat. Whether or not I'm back at the gym.

My ankle is healing. It's a slow process. I can get around now. It's slightly swollen still. I keep it wrapped most of the time, but it's slowly getting stronger every day. I think I'm going to try yoga soon. But I'm not ready for running or spinning any time soon. I know I still have a long time to heal and it's already been 3 weeks.

I've had a lot of family stuff going on, investment stuff and of course all the Christmas stuff going on too. Probably a lot like all of you. I've had so many times I just wanted / needed to go running. I just can't and I know it. The other day, I was so angry I needed a good long run. I honestly debated trying but I knew it was stupid of me to even think about doing it. I had a nice long chat with a friend instead.

I miss my gym friends, I miss my life. I can't wait to be better again.

Weds 7/21/10

So just when I think my unemployment is fixed -- it's not. But I think it might work out for the better. More details to come -- after I hopefully get a hold of them again tomorrow. It's a little frustrating but I think I actually qualify for a new claim. Whiich would take me off of the extension that I am currently on. We all hear about the delays in the extensions and whether or not congress is going to extend them. I hate being unemployed. I really wish I could find a job BUT I am so thankful for the income unemployment has provided my family. It really does give us peace of mind in paying our monthly obligations. I don't know how we would make it financially without it. God always provides for us though -- he knows the desires of my heart and provides for them.

Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.” – Psalms 37:4 KJV

Clare and I worked out today but we didn't do our usual weights and running. Clare actually had the day off, so we got to enjoy a spin class together, Dana's spin class. Totally kicked my butt - like always. Then I worked on my abs. Did 100 crunches w/ 10lbs weights on each side (obliques) and the center. So total of 300 crunches, plus about 2 and a half minutes of hovers. I was physically exhausted leaving them gym. Completely done and Clare was too.

Amelia had speech today. It went well, she can say all the words she just needs help combining them. She can say all her fruits and veggies, animals but will struggle saying "I see a cow!" or "I want a grape!" Those are the type of things she needs help with. We go back next Weds and I'm excited to see her progress.

Mariyn is really enjoying vacation bible school. The theme is (God's)Army of One. She really is taking to all the army talk -- Ohh-Rah, Attention, Salute, Fall in. LOL I'm really glad our friends invited her to VBS and that she is learning about the lord. I remember going to my Aunts as a kid and going to VBS was so much fun. We weren't raised in the church like my cousins. So VBS was really memorable for me. I even remember a really liking a song about Charity church mouse. It brings me a lot of joy knowing Mariyn is experiencing and learning about God in a fun atmosphere in a great church. I really need to start going back to church.

Back on the dieting note -- I've eaten well today. Protein shake for breakfast, PB&J w/ Cherries for lunch. I've snacked on a Fiber One yogurt (they are Good) and nectarines. I'm not sure what we are going to do for dinner. I forgot to defrost meat :X Opps! Hubby isn't home yet though and I know I should cook... what to cook what to cook.

ETA: Dinner terriyaki chicken, rice, mixed veggies (broccoli, cauliflower, carrots). A healthy choice!

Realistic Weight loss

I happened to stumble across this article that talked about the biggest loser yesterday. Let me start off by saying I've never watched a full episode of the biggest loser, but have seen bits and pieces. I don't watch much TV at all, we don't have cable or any network television. So I've only seen it in passing or other people's homes but I've seen it enough to know that contestants lose an insane amount of weight in a VERY short period of time. It seems like the biggest loser is a topic of conversation anytime someone talks about weight loss (mine, theirs, products, etc).

My original goal was to lose 100lbs. I'm over half way to meeting my goal. Originally, I wanted to be done dieting by my birthday in September. Almost a year since I started going back to the gym. That is still my goal and at first, I was on track losing about 10 lbs a month. Since April, my weight loss hasn't been as rapid. I'm sustaining my weight losing here and there and having an active and healthy life style. I knew I would eventually struggle with the weight loss and felt that time period would be when warmer weather hit. I love summer and I love my family. Dieting and Exercising take up a lot of time, money and planning. It's hard to diet and enjoy simple pleasures like BBQ with your family. I still exercise and have been maintaining my weight, that is not hard. It's losing weight that is harder. Losing weight is hard anytime because let's face it. It's easy to sabotage, easy to fall into old habits and there is a reason most people gain weight. I really enjoy food. I eat when I'm emo, I eat when I'm gathering with family and friends, I gained so much weight because I didn't eat healthy and I didn't exercise. My lifestyle was out of control. I've since found balance.

My goal is still to lose 100 lbs by the middle of September. Which is basically 35 more lbs in 10 weeks. That's 3.5lbs per week, a healthy amount BUT not what I've been losing for the last couple of months. If I dedicated and progressing like I was, this goal would be attainable. I'll be happy even if I'm close to the 100lbs mark, as long as if it all comes off. Once I hit 158, I will re-evaluate my goals. I may decide to maintain, I may decide to lose. I don't want FAST weight loss, I want realistic maintainable weight loss. I like that my body is recouping from the years of abuse I put it through. My skin isn't flabby. I have stretch marks, but they too are fading. The human body is really one of God's most fascinating creations. I am so blessed that he is allowing me to lose this weight and become a better me despite the abuse I've done to my body.

Let me be clear, healthy is a life style. There will be no magic number on the scale that I am going to see and think, oh ok, I don't have to go to the gym anymore, I can eat as much as I want. I know that I will always have to balance calories in and calories out. I will always have to be mindful of my choices but these healthier choices are becoming more and more natural to me. Otherwise, I too would gain back the weight. It really isn't how much weight you lose but how well you maintain what you've lost. That to me would make you the biggest loser.


FYI: Weigh in today 196. Down 2lbs from last week, still up 1lbs from my 2 weeks ago. Things that I see hindering my progress: snacking (camping, holiday, bbq foods left over), less time at the gym because of holidays and camping. We're going camping again this week. My plan to combat these hurdles: better food planning and activities outside of the gym. Friday is MAriyn's birthday - she asked to go camping in Yosemite - so we're planning on taking her. Shhhh.... it's a secret!

A new kind of compliment

My cabinets are were nearly empty. Nothing left in my fridge except leftovers that were probably growing stuff. I needed to go grocery shopping, in a bad way. I've been procrastinating it and we've been eating out more and more. Not a good habit if you're trying to lose weight or save money. Finally, I broke down and went to Costco. I stocked up on all my favorites: raspberry, blackberry, watermelon, pineapple, spinach, pistachios, almonds etc. The girls and I sampled and looked around. Carefully, I tried to remember all the things we needed while trying to still make it out of the store without breaking the bank. Finally, I get to the checkout and as I'm unloading my cart I feel like I am being watched. I noticed an elderly lady was staring at me a long stare too. She was watching me unload and staring at my food. Finally, when I'm all done unloading my cart, she says, "You really feed your family well!"

Wow! What a compliment, I replied "Thank you and said I've been dieting and trying to teach my family healthy eating habits. " I know it's really important to model good eating and a healthy lifestyle. Her comment really made my day. There are so many families, young families especially, whose diet is made up of junk foods, boxed foods or fast foods because it's often easier, cheaper or faster than making a nutritious meal. I know, I was one of those families. I've started to pay attention at the grocery store and what the person in front of me buys. You can really tell a lot about their eating habits by what is in their shopping cart. Not to say I don't have a treat every now and then heck, I even bought skinny cow ice cream while I was at Costco. But the bulk of my food was fresh and healthy. And well that just made me feel good.