Finishing Dead Last

Mariyn, my 9 year old and I decided to do a local 5K on Sunday. It was a small Halloween themed run. Zumara ran it too. I didn't have anyone to watch Amelia. Rich was hunting and I really just didn't have anyone. So, instead of not participating, I decided to take her with me.... and push her in the stroller. Problem solved, right?



Well, I don't exactly have a jogging stroller. I have a britax preview. It's one step up from an umbrella stroller. Amelia is 4/2 and probably weighs 40+lbs herself+ the weight of the stroller. I see people completing runs with kids/strollers all the time. I really didn't think it would be a big deal -- at all.

Like I said, it was a small run. Very small, and well it ended up being mostly runners and very few walkers. I'm not back running yet and I knew I would be slower with the stroller, so I started toward the end of the pack. Mairyn started a lot closer to the front. Before the race, we chose a meeting point, near the finish line just incase she finished before me.

When the race began, Amelia an I took off. It was fun, but challenging. I'd never ran with her in the stroller before. She enjoyed the race. At about 1 mile, it was time for me to walk. Pushing Amelia was a lot harder than I anticipated. I decided that I would just keep going.

For the first half mile or so, I could see Mariyn but soon she had ran so far ahead that I could no longer see her. No big deal, I figured she would eventually tire out and I would be able to catch up. About the 1.5 mile mark, I noticed I was almost dead last. There was a guy behind me, dressed as a redneck runner. Iassumed he was the pacer and wasn't going to to be passing me. Amelia and I continued on our walk/run. I cracked jokes about the pacer behind me and finishing dead last. Hey, at least I was willing to move my body for the full 3.1 miles!





At first, I really wanted to catch up with the other runners/walkers. Then I thought about all the obstacles I had in front of me. No sitter, pushing a 50+lbs stroller w/ kid, while running/walking. No training. And a bum ankle. I thought about all the weight I've put back on. About how well, I used to do and where I am now.... FAT AGAIN!

I **almost** started to feel bad about things and for myself. But something in me just said, keep going. So, I did. At mile 2, I thought about my daughter. Here it was the day before Halloween and my 9 year old is running a 5K. Yeah, mine. Here is my 4 year old, participating in one too (like it or not). I still hadn't caught up with Mariyn. And you know, I was ok with that. One of my biggest reasons for wanting to lose weight was to be active with my children and teach them a healthy lifesyle. I want them to love being active. And Mariyn does!

Mariyn finishsed the run at 36 minutes and 7 seconds. More than 10 minutes ahead of me. I finished at 47 minutes 38 seconds. Probably my slowest time ever but that really isn't the point. My point is, I finished and I enjoyed a great time with BOTH of my daughters teaching them a better healthier way of life. Words can not express how proud I am of my daughter and she was proud of me, even if I finished dead last. :)

Update...

Where to start, where to start. So much has happened in life lately that I don't even know where to begin to update. I guess, I'll start where I left off.

I completed the Women's Fitness Festival 5K, running! It almost killed me because I am so out of shape. But it was fun and I felt so successful doing it. I enjoyed the fitness festival and got a few pics.

I've been running still, gotten up to 5.5 miles of run/walking. With Zumara. We were squeezing in our runs a few days a week. I really love running. We have Wharf to Wharf coming up soon, July 24th. It's going to be spectucular.





I finally weighed myself. It was the first time in MONTHS that I stepped on the scale. The scale was very honest with me and my slacker ways. I've gained a few pounds. I already knew this by the way my clothes fit. And, how hard it's been to get back in the routine. I'm not really happy about it but I know it's my choices that have gotten me here.





So now, it's time for good news and bad news...





Good news is, we opened our own business. Our towing company is finally up and running and on rotations with local law enforcement agencies. Unfortunately, this is giving me less free time to focus on other things. But I hope that changes as our business grows.








Bad news is, last night I twisted my ankle while running. The same ankle that I injured a while back. It will be my last run for a while. My ankle is swollen, stiff and sore. It's not hurting too bad, I can tell it's not a major injury like last time but it's not in good shape either. It looks nasty right now. So what does this mean to me? A huge set back. I highly doubt I will be able to run wharf to wharf. I was really looking forward to it. Instead, if I am able, I will walk wharf to wharf. It also means, a huge set back in training for the Nike Women's Marathon. I'm hoping to heal in a few weeks and to be back to running. Ultimately, I know my running days are numbered and my ankle will always be prone to injury/re-injury. I'm hoping my body holds up for Nike...

Running with my girls

Mariyn started softball camp today. I had so much fun watching her. She practiced her little heart out for 3 hours. She came home and told her dad how much fun she had. It was awesome.


We were all in the living room tonight, when Mariyn asked me to go for a run with her. We ran to her school and back, looping around our neighborhood. It was just over 1 mile. Mariyn ran the whole time and did not complain. She enjoyed it. How many 8 year olds, like to run? Mine does :) Ok, well, she is almost 9 but still. Make my heart happy to know I'm giving her a good example and habbits for a healthy, active lifestyle.

When Amelia, my 4 year old, heard we were going running, she wanted to go too. I knew she couldn't make the whole mile, so I told her we would take her when we got back. She was a little dissappointed. But that was short lived when we got back home and she was ready to go. I wasn't sure how far Amelia could run, so I figured at most we would run/walk around our block. At least, down the street. Amelia, ran all around our entire block. It's nearly a half mile! We sang our ABC's and counted the whole way. She was very cute and had lots of fun.

I know everyone is proud of their kids (or should be) but it really does give me a lot of joy to see them engage in an active lifestyle. It makes me feel as if I'm doing something right, even if I am still over weight. I'm giving them a love for fitness that will help them live longer, happier and healthier throughout their life. My heart is full <3

Slippery Slope

I've noticed my dieting and life style change has quickly gone out the window. I haven't weighed my self in months! I'm still wearing the same size clothes as I was but they do not fit the same. How did this happen, you might ask?

It's a slippery slope. After my injury, I slowly allowed junk back into my diet. A brownie here, something chocolate and delicious there. Eating out.. because I was too lazy/stressed/busy to cook. Depression set in, more bad eating choices. Portions got larger. Choices got poorer.

We've even gotten into the habit of eating fast food. Drinking soda. I've made cupcakes twice this week! And eaten more than my fair share.

I'm not willing to give up every food I love to loose weight. But I'm not willing to go back to where I was either. I can easily see, how continuing like this can be dissasterous.

I see people from the gym, around town and I feel guilty. My children keep asking to go back to the gym. I need to sit down, and figure out a training schedule and stick to it. I've been runnning, at least that's something. But I know the diet has to change or I won't progress and make my goals like I want to.

My next 5K is Sunday. I'm looking forward to it and spending the day in San Francisco afterward with friends.

Update

I'm still struggling daily but I'm still trying to put one foot in front of the other. Life is full of peaks and valleys. Ups and downs. I might be in a valley now, but I know it's just temporary. God's grace will pull me through.

For now, I'm thinking of all the stressors that brought me here and evaluating my life. There are some things I can not controll and yet there are so many things, that I can. What can I change? has been the question I ponder most. What will help me feel better... even if temporarily.

God. Family. Friends. Exercise. I'm getting better with my running. Each and every run. I'm now up to running 2.5 miles. I'm sure I can run longer too ... on a good day. I'm playing softball 1-2 nights a week. I love the game. My daughter is officially on summer break around starting this afternoon! I have a great group of friend and a great family. Even on days, when I might be angry or down. Life has been tough on our marriage lately, but we both want to and are determined work through it. That in it'self is a blessing. <3

My friend's son graduated high school last night. The principal gave a really long speach... you know the kind... b-o-r-i-ng! But one thing rang out for me... A goal not written down is rarely achieved. The whole reason I blog to commit myself to my journey and my goals. Sharing the ups and downs along the way.

Admitting it

My biggest struggle lately, hasn't been with food or exercise. Although, I admit I struggle there too. It's been with contentment and happiness. I've been over whelmed, stressed out and struggling to put one foot in front of the other for months now. I've always struggled with depression. The regular ups and downs of life can sometimes get to me and can be disabling. Completely disabling. Marriage has been rough lately. Financially even rougher. Figuring out how to change our circumstances, is a challenge.

Yeah, I've stayed busy. I admit it. Trying not to dwell on the real problem(s). I struggle daily to feel happy. I struggle daily to be a nice wife, I'm pretty sure I'm failing miserably. I struggle daily to be a good mom.

I've let too many outside influences get to me lately. I willing to admit it now, I've been fighting with depression. I say this not because I want sympathy, pitty or anything else but to recognize it and hopefully be able to move on. I want to be happy again.

Yesterday, I went my monthly bible study. It's been a while since I've gone, I know I missed last month. I had a busy day planned around softball. I amlost didn't go to bible study. I didn't have much gas in my car, and it was a luncheon. Everyone was suppossed to bring something. I didn't have extra time or money to get something prepared. But I knew if I didn't go, I would feel bad. Those were just excuses. So I went. The speaker was talking about gardening and of course related it to being a Christian. How you can feed your body, and not feed your spirit you're still walking around hungry. It reminded me a lot of this journey and also were I am today. I haven't been feeding my spirit. Instead, I'm turning to food, filling my time, and falling apart.

The last several days, I've been praying to have theses feelings I taken away. To feel happy again, and less bitter. I prayed on the way to bible study that God would give me something I need. That it would be worth the gas, worth the money spent on bringing food. (I brought farm fresh Strawberries by the way).

But something was different yesterday. For the first time in months, I felt happy. Not over joyed but happiness. Joy in my heart. It was a great feeling and I'm able to cope better today.

Maitenance NSV

There is always a silver lining, in any storm. My injury is no different. I don't want to be injured. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But there is something that I learned about my injury, there is a silver lining. It's called maintenance.

Let's face it, it's been over 3 months since I've been in the routine of working out daily. I weighed myself this morning, 187lbs. Before my injury, my weight was fluctuating between 185-188lbs. That my friends, is something I'm considering a success. Yeah, I know I'm on a weight loss journey and I didn't lose weight in the last 3 months. BUT, learning to maintain is a huge part of being successful at weight loss.

Also, I've not lost the desire to live healthy, live differently, and live better by the grace of God. I've never given up hope or given up on myself. That to me is a huge NSV.

How am I feeling after working out yesterday? My foot/ankle feels a little stiff and swollen. My muscles feel a little bit sore. But overall, I feel great and jazzed to be back. Starting over again, from where I'm at. God is so great!

Relief

A wound up ball of stress has been walking around my house waiting to explode lately. I've been angry and short tempered with my hubby, with everyone, with life. I've got a lot going on in my personal life and political stuff with an organization that I'm involved in. And throw in starting up our own business, I'm sure you can imagine why I haven't blogged as much lately or stayed true to coarse with my diet/exercise plans.





It's the end of the rope now though. I'm walking the plank and there just are no more excuses. My ankle is on the road to recovery. I know I can't do what I was doing back in November physcially and that I have to start all over again. But that' s ok. I'm not strating over, I'm continuing on. I know that I can make good choices with diet and exercise. I have and I will again.



Last night in bed, Rich asked me when I was going to run again. He did so in a kind gentle way letting me know that he knows I need a release. He knows I'm a ticking time bomb that can explode. He wants to prevent that and be supportive. He knows how much running means to me and more importantly how much I (and the whole family) benefit from it. What is that saying, "A happy wife makes a happy life!"



Tonight, my friend Zumara called and asked if I wanted to go to the gym tonight. I've been so stressed, busy, scared of reinjuring myself, and making excuses I haven't been consistent enouogh with my excercise/going back to the gym. I decided that if I felt up to it, after I put the girls to bed, I would go. At dinner, Rich said he was planning on going tonight but I could go instead. So sweet of him <3 he knew it was in OUR best interest for me to get some "me time" at the gym.

I worked out on the floor doing the various weight machines. And I ran! Yes, I ran! Ok well, actually I ran walked for 20 minutes. I did intervals because I wanted to be aware of my body/injury. I didn't want to over do it on my first "attempt " to run. I ran for the first 5 minutes. The first 2 minutes were so hard but it felt ***SO*** good. Yeah, I know 1.3 miles isn't a lot and it's nothing compared to what I was doing. But from where I am now, it was a really good start. My ankle doesn't hurt, although it doesn't feel exactly normal. I think I'm on the road to rebuilding and recovery.

I came home, happy with a clear head and open heart and well just feeling relief.

I just love the gym <3

I made it!

I made it! Yes, I made it to the gym today. I woke up and pushed myself to get out of bed and get ready before I dropped Mariyn off to school. Then anxiously, I waited around until 9:15 to head over. I was nervous about not getting a bike, if I didn't get there in time. I wasn't mentally prepared to do something other than cycle today. I didn't know if physically I can do cycle... let alone anything that requires more impact. I didn't want to push myself too hard, my first time back.

Anyways, I got to the gym 30 minutes early and there was already a line of about 10 people. Got my ticket. Talked to many of the regulars. It felt good to be back. I checked in with the instructor, Gosh, I missed her.

I decided that if my ankle started to hurt, I should probably just leave. The last thing I want to do is re-injure myself or jmake my injury worse. Getting on the bike was so uncomfortable! I know you have to get used to the seat but really, you can't help but wonder if therei s any getting used to this amount of discomfort. I used very light resistance, I wanted to be careful. I felt good though. My body responded well in terms of strength and endurance. However, after a few songs, my ankle started to bother me. I had a hard time telling if I was over doing it or if my ankle was sore because it was weak. I almost decided to just leave. Stick to the plan you know. But I was feeling so good - can you say, ENDORPHINS! I decided to turn down my resistance and try to push through a few more songs. At least to 30 minutes, I told myself. I ended up making it through the whole class. My ankle was tired but my body felt good.

I've decided my break is over. I'm back. I might not be able to go as hard core as I was but I'm back none the less. I have to start somewhere. So here I am, starting again today from where I am. I'm going to start with the less strenous instructors and classes then build on what I CAN do. Honestly, I'm still in great shape. I might not have been to the gym in months but after working out for over a year 5 days a week several hours a day. I know I've got an advantage. Muscle memory, I'm not at square one. I felt good, cardiovascularly, strength and endurance. I'm starting from where I am. An injured athlete who is determined to be fit.

My next date at the gym, will be Thursday. I'm going to rest my ankle and attempt 2-3 days a week until I'm completly healed.

Tomorrow

Cuddling in bed with my husband this morning, he asked me the question. "When are you going back to the gym?" I thought about it and I didn't know. Passing the buck, I responded, "When are you going back to the gym?" He didn't respond so I said, thought for a minute and said, tomorrow. I will go attempt to do spin tommorrow at 9:30. He said, I'll go tomorrow morning then too.

I asked my hubby if he would put the cleats in my spin shoes. I got them back in Oct/Nov but he didn't put them together right away. Then I got injured and they've been sitting here unused ever since. Well, tonight he goes to put them together and there is a piece missing. :-/ Darn ebay, new conidtion w/ open box. It's been far to long to say anything so I will be spending money on new cleats. At least I have the pedals.

Late Friday afternoon, I stepped on a rusty old nail. It went through my shoe and pricked my toe. Pulling it out, I pricked my finger. Guess who hadn't had a tetnus shot since high school? Yeah that would be me. Miss clumsy. I tried to convince myself that the rusty old nail thing was probably an old wives tale and that I could save the money. But I googled it.... and decided it was better safe than sorry if I just went to the doctor. The side effects of tetnus just didn't look appealing nor did the treatment. So I spent the money and went to a clinic on Saturday. Got my tetnus vaccine and whooping cough booster. Fun stuff I tell you. My arm was so so sore and tender for 2 days. But at least I won't have to worry about tetnus, bacterial and spores causing my body to cease up. If you haven't gotten your tetnus shot in the last 10 years, you just might want to. Oh and at the doctors office, I weighed in 188 lbs. 3 pound gain, I'm not sure when. But I know I've been off the wagon for a while so the damage isn't too bad.

I'm excited and nervous to be back at the gym. Excited to see my friends. Nervous about my injury and being able to keep up. I'm certain that I will get my butt kicked tomorrow and hopefull that my endurance will return.

I might have been off the wagon lately, but honestly I've never completely given up. I know there is no going back to where I was before. Nor do I want to.

Cause and Effect

When I started eating healthy and exercising, I noticed my body was changing. I was changing not only physically and mentally. Something else too, my skin was healthier, my hair was healthier and I felt more rested and more alert even though I would often workout until I was at my limits. I was able to be optomistic easily and felt less stressed. My outlook on life was a lot more positive than it had ever been before.

Now, that I haven't worked out much in the last two months (yes, it's been that long). I'm not eating as healthy as I was. I still make good choices but not great choices. I give into junk, cravings, eating out and other forms of diet sabatoge with little to no resistance. I'm going through a lot of personal stress right now and I can tell, my body is reacting to it. My skin is breaking out, my hair looks less shinny and healthy. I get cranky, moody and reach breaking points faster. I often feel overwhelmed and I turn to food.

See how quickly old habbits and coping mechanisims can come back? The one thing that is not back is the weight but I can easily see how my excuses and behavior can cause a slipper slope and the weight would follow.

Another thing I noticed, in JanuaryI missed my mom's monthly bible study. I completely forgot about it. Coincidence, I think not. Every month, I enjoy bible study it gives me a new perspective and a way to rejuvenate.

Tomorrow is the February bible study. I'm looking forward to it.

I'm looking forward to getting back into the gym too. Many of my gym friends have let me know, I've sulked long enough and that even though I can't do everything I can do somethings. Maybe that is the kick in the pants that I need...

My Running Buddy

Zumara, my running buddy got up at 6:30 am and ran 10 miles in the rain. I was so proud of her. It's her first time running in a race without me. Originally, we were supposed to run our first half marathon(s) today. Obviously, plans changed due to my injury. She was nervous about running and almost didn't: it was rainy, it wasn't very organized because it was a free run and you could choose your mileage up to 50 miles. This picture was taken at the 6 mile mark. Did you check out her legs? I'm envious... Did I mention it was early, cold and wet?

I slept in a little longer than I should have but I got up and met her and the 4,5,6, and 8 mile marks. Then back at the finish line. I miss running. I want to sign up for an event but I know my foot/ankle isn't ready yet. I don't know when it will be. Hopefully, soon. All I can do is be supportive for my runner friends.

Zumara was amazing this morning. Check out her legs. I'm so proud of her.

Amazing

,2010 has been an amazing year for me. I've changed so much, not just in appearance but in my heart. I know God has been doing some great work in there and is continuing to change me. I am not sad to see 2010 go. I do not have a list of New Years resolutions to accomplish. Yet, I'm so excited for 2011 and the changes that God is going to continue to bring into my life and into my heart.

Of course, I still have so many adventures I want to accomplish. So many goals and dreams to dream. The inner-athlete is alive, awake and well.

I pray God blesses each and everyone of you in 2011 and that you see your life for what it is, a gift from God. I pray that he provides you strength and peace to meet and exceed in any challenge you may face. I pray that life is not only what you want out of it, but it is God's will being done.



Oh and I ended the year right. I got to the gym today and swam laps for about 30 minutes. It felt so good to be doing something active again.

Dec 2009

Nov 2010



Bring on 2011. :)

I've let go

I've let go. I've let go of my expectations of myself, I've let go of the diet. I've let go of my time line to be back at the gym.

I've spent the last several weeks feeling sort of normal. I haven't weighed myself in over a month - AND I'm ok with that. Last year, I dieted through the holidays and missed out on a lot of things. This year, I'm missing out on nothing. But that doesn't mean I'm binging at every moment.

My eating habits have changed and I can make healthier choices and stop when I've full. But that doesn't mean that I don't indulge either. Come January, I will be back to watching everything I eat. Whether or not I'm back at the gym.

My ankle is healing. It's a slow process. I can get around now. It's slightly swollen still. I keep it wrapped most of the time, but it's slowly getting stronger every day. I think I'm going to try yoga soon. But I'm not ready for running or spinning any time soon. I know I still have a long time to heal and it's already been 3 weeks.

I've had a lot of family stuff going on, investment stuff and of course all the Christmas stuff going on too. Probably a lot like all of you. I've had so many times I just wanted / needed to go running. I just can't and I know it. The other day, I was so angry I needed a good long run. I honestly debated trying but I knew it was stupid of me to even think about doing it. I had a nice long chat with a friend instead.

I miss my gym friends, I miss my life. I can't wait to be better again.

Early Mornings

4:50 am - Yeah, that is the time I got up and went to the gym this morning. Cycle promptly starts at 5:30 am. I know you have to get there at 5:15 to get a ticket and ensure a bike. I don't do mornings, I am not a morning person. I'm a night owl, I was awake until after midnight. I woke up several times in the night, afraid I was going to be late this morning. I love early morning cycle, but it's hard for me to GET up.

Cycle was great though, we had a sub, Don. I've never tried Don but I've heard great things about him. He was very motivating and a great instructor. I've never had a male instructor before - and he was easy on the eyes even at 5:30am ;-) ha ha

I pushed myself hard. I was so full of energy when I left the gym. I went to the store to buy stuff to cook for breakfast, you know surprise the family before they woke up. Chorrizo and eggs -- YUM! The only way I eat eggs is Chorrizo and eggs.

By 8:05 am I had already gotten up, completed a cycle class, went to the store, cooked my family breakfast, gotten both of my girls up ready and off to school, drove my hubby to work and come home. I was full of energy ... but it wasn't long before the exhaustion of lack of sleep kicked in and I fell asleep again, cuddled in my bed around 8:45 am. The kids are gone, the house is clean (well minus the breakfast dishes) and I didn't have anything in particular planned. So why not catch up on my rest and face the day at an hour I when I'm ready?

I've been contemplating my schedule a lot lately. Soon, I am going to have to go back to work. There really isn't any option about it. When it happens, what will my training schedule look like? Where will my gym time go? What about my running? And all the things that are important to me, like my weight loss and bible study time?

I know God doesn't want me to worry about these things but I do feel the need to plan for them. The only way I know I will be able to make it to the gym is to do it before the kids go to school, before I will have to go to work. That means, despite my complete and udder disdain for waking up early, I will have to. I will have to take advantage of the 5:30 am classes, early morning workouts and still evening and weekend runs. That's just the way it is. I've accepted it.

Finally Friday

It's Friday already and I realize I haven't posted since I said I was back at it on Tuesday. That doesn't mean I fell off the wagon again though.

I've been busy busting my fat at the gym every day since. I'm trying to get back into my regular routine. It's wearing me out! Seriously, I've had to take a nap almost every day because after the adrenaline rush is gone, I'm just exhausted from all that hard work! I can't help but take a nap.

You would think that I could do all the same things I did before my injury with no problem jumping right back in. It really hasn't been **that** long.

My gym friend Laura told me this week that I am very dedicated and hardworking once I've chosen to do something. It's true, I've always felt this way about myself but it's feels different when someone else says it about you. Which got me to thinking about my journey...

I can seriously go months without slipping up, with out cheating on my diet, with out missing an opportunity to exercise. But I am an all or nothing type of person. You either get all of my efforts, or none. There really is no in between.

Since my injury, I haven't been able to exercise, so I didn't care what I ate. It's true I made some really bad choices that I wouldn't have made if I had been going to the gym. When I'm exercising, I really think about my food choices and if they are worth the hardworking and calorie burning I did at the gym. Most of the time, it keeps me inline with my eating.

When I'm not at the gym, I don't think like that. I can't explain why but the thought doesn't occur to me. Yeah I know I'm not making great choices and I'm not moving more. So I because I'm not exercising I think I'm not going to lose weight anyways because . . . Even though I know weight loss is primarily DIET and secondarily exercise. You can be fit and still be FAT or you can be skinny and be out of shape. It all depends on how frequently you exercise. I'm there, I know it. I can exercise many skinny people... Someday soon, I hope to just be fit.

So what does this all mean, to me? This all or nothing business? My eating habits have greatly improved since I started my journey. I eat until I'm no longer hungry, I do not eat until I'm stuffed or even until I'm "full". I can control my portions. I can enjoy snacks in moderation but I still struggle with sweets. In fact, I think sweets are my biggest hang up because once I get some in my system, my mind craves for more, more and more. It takes a lot of willpower and discipline to get back on track for me and sweets. Moderation by a dieters standards is virtually non-existent. I really need to refocus here, with my sweet intake. Am I ready to do it yet? To be honest, I don't know. Mentally I can want to be skinnier, I can want to eat better all the time but I really have to want it in order to do it. This journey has been so much more to be than becoming skinnier, it's becoming healthier, happier and more spiritual too.

This weeks exercise schedule:

Monday: Running/Walk 3 miles
Tuesday: Body Pump and Cycle
Wednesday: Cycle
Thursday: Body Pump and Cycle
Friday: Cycle (5:30 am)

I did planks once this week and will be doing more today and over the weekend. I want to get in the routine of cycle and abs on Weds with Running Weds night.

Oh and I got to talking to someone at the gym this morning about running, she invited me to go running with her and a group just outside of town they do hill training on the weekends. I'm excited and hope I can join.

Weekend Wrap Up

Covered Bridge in Knights Ferry, CA

I've had a good weekend. As I mentioned before, my girls had Thursday and Friday off because of Veteran's Day. I'm so thankful for all our vets have done and I'm really thankful to have had an extra couple days with my girls. We spent time with my aunt and her family. Adrienne (my cousins wife) at Chronicles of a Curvy Housewife and I got to spend time together too. It was nice and she is looking much trimmer than last time I saw her. We went on a nice bike ride, I rode one of my aunt's bikes. Kinda funny riding someone else's bike but it was good. Our kids got to play together and had so much fun. Amelia loved Shane. So cute.

Thursday night I had dinner with two of my very bestest friends. My girls stayed with my Aunt and family so it felt like an official girls night out. We had sushi and I'm pretty sure it was healthy (or disguised as) and I didn't over eat. After dinner, we went back to my friend's house and she gave me a bunch of shirts. I felt so incredibly blessed and thankful. They're super cute too! My younger sister, Ricki bought me a few new shirts this week too. So I'm far less stressed about having clothes to wear. I feel so loved, so thankful and so blessed. God is so good and he does provide for all of our needs.

The girls and I came home Friday night and spend Saturday around the house relaxing, it felt really good. We went to a craft fair and seen an old friend. She had to tell me about my high school sweet heart and what he is up to. Let's just say I feel so incredibly thankful for my life and blessed. The whole, thanking God for unanswered prayers. It really puts perspective on my life and how good it is.

I went running this afternoon in Knights Ferry with Zumara. It's such a beautiful place along the river, rustic, peaceful and full of nature's beauty. Bonus it's not too far away from home. I'm not sure how far we ran but we did a lot of trails and hill work. It was so beautiful and the hills were pretty steep. The terrain was comparable with our mud run but probably steeper (with the exception of one hill) but we both handled it a lot better. It felt easier probably because we knew what to expect and are familiar with the area.
Knights Ferry is a historic place and is so beautiful. There were A LOT of photographers out there doing portraits tonight, at least 3 different parties if not more. Must be that holiday time of year, getting ready to send out the family photos and Christmas cards.

The run felt good and peaceful. We seen a family of deer too so we stopped and watched them for a while. We ran for about an hour and 15 minutes, who knows how many miles it's not an area you can easily map. We ran until sunset and started heading back. About 100 feet before the end of the trail, I fell to the ground. I lost footing on some rocks and my ankle gave out. It's sore and swollen but not injured too bad. I think I'll have to rest it but I'll be back to training soon. This is the exact reason, I do not like to run alone. You never know when you are going to get hurt and will need help. Luckily, I was able to get back up (it took a minute) and we were just about done with our run. I hobbled back to the car and have been babying my ankle all night. I'm sure I will see the real damage in the morning. I see more cycle and less running in my future this week. Even though I hurt myself, the run was incredible and I hope to be able to do it again soon. Zumara enjoyed it too.


I need to get better shoes for trail running, regular running shoes just don't provide the support you want/need on trails.

Emo

I cried.

I broke down.

I had a pitty party.


Yesterday, I lounged around the house most of the day feeling sorry for myself. Why, you might ask? Because I was feeling bad about the way I look. As you probably know from reading, it's now been 18 months since I've worked. I'm so thankful for this time off to focus on myself and my family but money is so incredibly tight. It's stressful. Right now, it's even more stressful than normal because of the investment stuff we have going on, the holidays coming up. It's a bit overwhelming when I think of it all.

I've been able to spend more time with my friends lately and I've rediscovered how much I love getting dressed up. The only problem - I don't have much that fits me. Everything is too big, even my pre-baby jeans are getting more and more roomy. A good problem to have when you're trying to lose weight. It's not a good problem to have though when you don't have extra money to spend on clothes. Right now, there is nothing more I'd rather do the go out and buy myself clothes.... I'd feel so much better about myself, about my progress.

My husband has been selling things on craigslist trying to come up with extra money for our investment. He came home and told me he sold something for $300. Great news! Then, I emotionally broke down because I want to have nice things to wear. I've worked so hard to lose the weight (approx 75lbs). Other than gym clothes, I only have 3 shirts that fit me and a few pairs of jeans. I was folding laundry in my spare bedroom when my husband came in and told me. I broke down crying because I was so upset. I know it sounds trivial but really could you imagine how you would feel if you lost 75 lbs and didn't have the means to replace your clothes?

I know I made Rich feel really bad because he is so proud of my for losing the weight. He has been working so hard to provide for our family and make ends meet. Some weeks, he puts in over 80 hours. Every week he puts in more than 40... He is stressed, he is tired yet he keeps working so hard to provide for us, for our family.

After, I pulled myself together I apologized to him. I should not have gotten as upset as I did over clothes. Really, I know I have what I need and my family is provided for. I am wanting to go through my closet and take my old stuff to a consignment shop. Hopefully, then I will be able to add a few more things to my closet that fit.

I know I'm not at goal so anything I buy now is just temporary clothing. Which is the biggest reason, I haven't splurged and gotten myself new stuff. I don't want to waste money when it's so hard to come by. But if I was more cautious in other areas, I probably could buy myself a few new things. Most of us can probably cut back, somewhere right? I really don't want a lot, just more than a 3 different outfits to wear, you know?

Graciously, Rich said I could spend $100 on myself for clothes. He really is a sweet and loving husband. The money he plans to give me once he sells his stuff on craigslist. I love him so much.

The silver lining - This is my first huge emotional break down that I remember in this weight loss journey because something(s) didn't fit. Before, I always felt bad about myself because clothes didn't fit like I wanted them too. I would rather wear clothes that are too big for me and be healthy then be fat and wear clothes that are too snug and small. It really is harder to be fat.

I did back to back classes at the gym today body pump and cycle. Both were subs, the regular teacher quit last week, or so I hear. I missed class last week so I didn't hear the story for myself but what was repeated sounds a lot like gossip and drama.

I got a great workout in today. The sub that did body pump is a regular instructor (and coordinator) at another local fitness facility and really knows her stuff. I loaded my bar heavier than normal for squats and really worked it. I also went heavier on chest. Cycle was fun but only 4 members took the class today, really odd because normally there are 20 bikes and we have to show up extra early to get one. I got a good ride in though and it was nice not to be so crowded, odd but nice.

As I was leaving the gym, the manager spoke to me. He said he seen someone who looked a lot like me there and he had to do a double take. My sister and I do look a lot a like, but we look very different too. He asked which one of us is older, my sister is by 6 years and it's obvious. I think he was just trying to make small talk. He always talks to me when I'm alone at the gym. He goes out of his way to acknowledge me when I'm alone. It's awkward. My sister has a better rate than I do. She only pays $15 a month! Incredible, I know it's something through her work. So I decided to say something about it. He told me that because he likes me he would give me the same rate as my sister. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you would realize that this is the same person that has been flirtatious with me for months now. I'm a happily married woman and I tell my husband everything. But you know there is nothing wrong with saving me some money! I've been a member there for a long time and pay a lot to go each month, for myself and my kids. So I'm excited about that!

When I got back home, I made quesadillas for lunch with black bean salsa, using thin corn tortillas and queso fresco and mozzarella cheeses. They were good! Soon, it was time to do some research online and get Mariyn from school. Then the girls and I went to the library, I filled out papers for an LLC and mailed them off to the secretary of state! We're getting closer on our investment stuff and that is so exciting! Of course, while we were at the library the girls got books. Amelia had a huge tantrum and had to get carried out. Her behavior has been very challenging lately and I could really use prayers for patients with her.

When we got home from the library I had Amelia take a nap. I was frustrated with her. She was tired, I was tired and a nap fit us both nicely. When I awoke I could already feel the soreness setting in from today's workout. I love that!

Oh and did I mention, I'm still didn't have a voice today? I lost my voice Tuesday night. Monday I had a minor sore throat. Tuesday I felt fine but lost my voice around 8 pm. Yesterday I felt fine but with no voice. Today my voice is a little better but I have a cough and very low energy. I'm cough drops and using my inhaler. I have congestion but it seems to only be in my throat --- odd. I'm going to make some tea and hope I feel better tomorrow. I have a busy day ahead.

Accepting Compliments and gaining confidence

Accepting compliments can be hard! Especially when you've lost weight and or are trying to lose. Today, I was given a compliment by an old friend, I hadn't seen this person in a long time and I actually had to show them pictures to prove that I was fat. Such an odd thing, I know. Then they proceeded to tell me I've always been beautiful. Awkward!

Every day, I pick my daughter up from school. I usually walk into the school and wait by her classroom. I mingle with the other parents. One of them commented today about how good I look and asked me what I've been doing. The other mom's replied, "she runs - A LOT." I replied diet and exercise, and blushed. I was still in my gym clothes hair pulled back in a pony tail still sweaty and greasy from my workout. One of the mom's said, "Sara that was a compliment. You have such a hard time accepting compliments, you should just say thank you. " Deep down, I know she is right.

It is so hard accepting compliments though. I always feel the need to make up excuses or reasons why they aren't valid or why I'm undeserving. I mean - of course I look better now than I did 70 lbs ago, but it's still a little embarrassing that I was THAT overweight and still have so much to lose. In some ways, I do feel pretty or attractive but in others, I still feel so undeserving. Having been overweight does something to your self confidence...

I was even invited to a Halloween party by one of the mom's. It made me feel so special because I normally feel so isolated from the other mom's in my town. I'm a good 10 years younger than most and unlike them, I didn't grow up here so I don't already know everyone. Unfortunately, it's not a day I can attend but the invite alone means I am finally starting to make friends and fit in. It feels so good to think that someone thinks I'm beautiful or worthy of compliments. My whole life, I've always felt like plain jane or the girl next door. Growing up beauty was my sister's gifts. Intelligence was mine. In my mind, they didn't mix.